I am conflicted.
One part of this is that I want to tone down my attention loving drama side, which includes gossiping less. I also want to keep you updated though, and I do find talking about things helps. I’m realizing I probably should’ve made this blog a little more anonymous.
The other part I’m only going to briefly touch on, so as to avoid gossip. 😀
I’m making dinner plans with S.
I’m wondering how this will affect my relationship with D. I don’t think it’s respectful to someone I’m dating to be seeing my ex and not telling them. I have made a pact with myself to not see D as anything more then a friend while seeing where, if anywhere, things go with S.
I’m torn – I am really excited at the prospect of things with S going somewhere, as one always is on a first date, but that means things with D are officially, really, over. I still love him. I know he is only ever going to find happiness if I let go though. Same goes for me, as much as I love him, I know I need to let go in order to be really happy. Crap is life, and love, complicated.
But mostly, I’m focused on my healing. Obviously there’s a couple of pieces here I need to focus on;
– I don’t need a man to feel safe or stable. (this piece is why I have D as my “back-up”)
– I don’t need drama in order to have people pay attention to me.
– I am worthy of a simple, kind man. I am able to be a simple, kind woman. The combination of such could be awesome, I just need to open myself up to it.
– Dating someone, seeing someone, sleeping with someone, none of these effect who I am. The presence or lack of such activities does not determine my happiness or validity.
– There’s no easy fix that will make me happy, no other person on this planet can do that for me.
– Love comes in many forms. D and I can learn to love in a new way, not as lovers. As good friends.
Gosh, wouldn’t it be horrible if S or D found this blog? I am really sorry if you do. I am a conflicted woman, I have issues and I also have a lot to give.
I’m just trying to figure it all out. 🙂