My Poor Poor Laptop… :(

My laptop is having some problems.

I do have a desktop, but I have quite a few things that now take a lot more time, and that I have to do before Tuesday, so I won’t probably be able to blog until after my trip.

Yup! I’m going on a trip! From Tuesday afternoon through Friday. ūüôā With some co-workers… should be fun!

I’ll give you the love-life update, although I really shouldn’t (I still want to move away from talking about boys).¬† I may or may not have gotten a peck on the… mouth! the other day.¬† It was pretty hilarious though, because I thought he was going for the cheek and it got a bit flustery.

I’m just focusing on taking things just as slow as they need to go, and not worrying! If he doesn’t like me, who cares?! If I say something funny, am overbearing, am too much this or that, WHO CARES?! ūüôā I am what I am and if he doesn’t like it then no worries, that didn’t work.¬† I’m not at a point in my life where I’m going to change for someone else, I’m done with that. Yay!

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Journal Entries, part 1

[Day 1 – Saturday August 4th]

What I’m working on. {Raw Notes}

  • Less TV
  • Working on special/worthless (I do soo much soo well vs I do nothing)
  • Grieving – it’s ok!
  • Valid! No matter what I’m doing. ¬†Low self worth picture is promoting needing to do things wrong.
  • Relationships are complicated – picture avoiding them for TV friends.
  • Not wanting to be alone = valid
  • Not wanting crappy friends so just tuning out.

{Explination}

Well, journal entries aren’t always very¬†elaborate, and for my first day I just jotted down some things I was working on so I didn’t forget about them. ¬†I’ll elaborate a little here, and also explain some terms I’ve used (here and prior) and will continue using so we’re all on the same page.

  1. Less TV – This one is pretty simple, doesn’t need much¬†explanation.¬† ¬†I’m trying to cut down my TV consumption. ¬†The update is, after one month, I’ve been watching a lot less! Nowadays if I watch multiple episodes in one day it’s a¬†rarity, and there are many days I go with no TV at all. ¬†Yes!
  2. Working on Special/Worthless. ¬†This piece for me is about feeling like I’m always on one side or the other of the spectrum. ¬†Felling like I’m either soooo special or horribly worthless. ¬†The goal here is to become normal, and not do either extreme. ¬†With one extreme comes the other, and for me that’s too high a price. ¬†Being in the middle doesn’t mean I can’t¬†experience¬†the highs and lows of life, but just that I’m not inflating my ego or berating myself based on special/worthless pictures.

    Definition: Pictures – when I use the word pictures I mean a piece of programming, or a picture, that sits in my space and affects my life in a small way. ¬†It’s like a picture that sits on a shelf in your home, perhaps you don’t¬†consciously¬†notice it all the time but it will help set the tone of your house. ¬†When I talk about pictures it’s usually because a picture of mine is of something that I don’t want around, and it’s been setting the tone to one I don’t like.

  3. Grieving – it’s ok! Here I’m just reminding myself that it’s ok to be sad. ¬†During my childhood my mother would be sad a lot, and it affected me in a strong way (I always took it upon myself that it was my responsibility to be the “perfect child” so she might be happy and proud). ¬†This has affected my ability to be sad – I still see it as a strongly negative thing that one mustn’t show the world. I’m working on being ok about being sad, I think it’s a normal, natural, important part of the letting go process, among other things. ¬†In this instance I am referring to¬†grieving¬†the end of my relationship with D.
  4. Valid! Here I’m reminding myself that I am valid. ¬†I became aware of how often I create situations to prove that I am invalid. ¬†I really want to change this so I’m¬†actively¬†creating situations where I can feel valid and whole, instead of working against myself and¬†subconsciously¬†trying to prove my stupidity.
  5. Relationships are complicated. ¬†Boy are they! ¬†This is a continuation of #1 – working on watching TV less. ¬†I realized one of the aspects of my TV addiction is my resistance to having to make real life friends. ¬†The resistance stems from this picture I have that suggests that making friends is really hard, and people are really complex, and they might just end up hating you. ¬†Virtual friends isn’t the answer though, so I’m working on changing that. ¬†People are complex, but likelyhood is they aren’t going to hate me, and if they do I can just move on. ¬†Since the journal entry, I have made a huge effort to put myself out there socially, and have reaped many benefits. I’m very happy I did. ūüôā
  6. Not wanting to be alone – valid. ¬†I can’t quite remember what I was saying here, but I think it’s in regards to my fear of people invalidating me, and avoidance of people to save myself from their harsh reality. ¬†ūüėõ ¬†I say that jokingly, because although a part of me believes it, I also know it’s not true (that they are a harsh reality).
  7. Not wanting crappy friends so just tuning out. ¬†Same piece again, and just a different way of wording it. ¬†I was really focused on creating a senario where I could feel valid around other people, and I think it’s really helped. ¬†I’m much more confident. ūüôā

That’s the breakdown of journal entry #1 – I’ll add another one tomorrow!

Today’s update: I went to the gym!! Did probably 40 minutes, felt awesome. I’m about to do a short meditation, then off to bed. ¬†Thanks for reading, if you have any questions (about terms or concepts or anything) or comments please, leave a note! ¬†Also feel free to let me know if you have a similar piece, or your take on my pieces.

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Refreshed

Ahhhhhh. I love the Ecovillage.

I spent my Sunday splitting wood and moving the wood pile.  I spent my Sunday happy.  I love spending time doing physical tasks that require just enough focus to avoid my mind wandering.  I love the sense of accomplishment that comes from splitting then stacking a half a cord of wood.

Sadly, my tent is down now, the summer is officially over.  I still have that 3 day trip I want to do next week, so that will be the last hurrah, but it feels like fall.  This does mean I can start layering my scarves, wearing sweater dresses, and little light drapey sweaters though!  In reality, I think autumn is my favourite season, but it is always bitter-sweet when it comes. 

What’s your favourite season?

Also – as was pointed out to me in the comments section, I haven’t yet posted updates from my retreat – those will be coming soon. ¬†Tonight I’m babysitting a dear friend of mine, a jolly 2 year old fellow, and tomorrow I have class, but Wednesday we’ll start up some of the journal entries. ¬†I think it’ll be good for me to re-read the learnings and a-ha moments I had in regards to being alone, and being ok about being alone.

Toodles!

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It’s OK to be Sad Sometimes

Go slowly, you have your whole life to figure it out and find happiness – it’s ok to be sad sometimes.

Make sure you feel good about the choices you are making!

So says the note on my desk right now. ¬†I’m still processing the end of my journey with D. ¬†I’m still getting used to the concept that I will not end up old and happy with him. ¬†It is a strange feeling indeed. ¬†I went to my mothers for dinner last night, and realized that last time I went to her place for dinner I ended up sleeping in my old bed with D that night. ¬†This time I also ended up sleeping in a bed that was¬†formerly¬†mine, but alone. ¬†My room at my mother’s is still mostly set up as mine, and there were lots of memories of the early days with D. ¬†I don’t know how to explain the heartbreak, but I’m sure you’ve¬†experienced¬†it too, so there’s no need. ¬† I love him so dearly, and there are so many happy memories. ¬†It’s hard to picture a life without him, without being defined by him and changed by him and constantly thinking of him. ¬†Still, now, I am defined by him, changed by him and thinking of him, so that hasn’t changed yet but it will (it must) soon. ¬†I’m realizing more and more I should’ve waited much longer to start something new with someone new. ¬†I’ve very glad S is still gone for a bit, and I have a strongly held intent that if things end up going somewhere between us it will be slowly, very slowly.

I’m planning a mini-vacation for next week. ¬†Going to go away for 3 days and get out to some wilderness. ¬†I’m also going to the ecovillage tomorrow, so hopefully that will calm me and help me focus myself. ¬†Being out there is the single greatest way to focus myself on what is actually important. ¬†I need to focus on moving forward, and healing my wounds. ¬†The people I associate myself with are just opportunities to do that.

I spoke with my dad the other night. ¬†It’s always good to catch up with him, see where he’s at. ¬†It’s very interesting to see many of the wounds I have played out by him. ¬†Of course I learned much of how I am from him, and from my mother, and I see my mother much more often and see her doing her thing much more¬†blatantly. ¬†I’m glad my dad is on his healing path as well – he’s doing counselling with his wife, and has a men’s group that sounds really supportive. ¬†A family of people wanting to heal their limitations and set themselves free!

Well, I’m excited to get out of the city tomorrow, I’ll update again after that and share how I’m feeling. ¬†The goal is to come back feeling whole, valid and worthy. ¬†I’m sure the expansive views and lush rainforest will assist! ¬†Focus on the big picture, Jeanine.

What is your favourite “tool” to help you focus yourself again?¬†

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New Journey Begins, Old Journey Ends

Very briefly, because I want to stop focusing on the boys in my life and instead define myself by me, the update.

Went on a date with S. ¬†It was lovely, we were both really shy, we waved goodbye. ¬†He’s now gone for a week and a half on a kayaking trip.

Broke things off, officially, with D. ¬†This broke my heart again, but it needed to be done. ¬†This feels more significant, but I’m trying not to dwell. At least I have a week and a half to grieve again, I think I’ll need it.

But the real update is that I started up meditation classes again! ¬†I’m super excited to be focusing on healing myself again. ¬†Over the summer I really try, but having weekly classes makes such a huge difference. ¬†Our class last night focused on looking at a moment of spiritual seniority, and also a moment when we lost that. ¬†Looking at what triggered me to lose my space, and why, and then releasing any limitations there. ¬†The moment I focused on was going to a party and getting a little crazy, and I only did that because I still somehow believe that my validation is based on what others think of me. ¬†The new version of me that I’m working on knows that I am valid no matter what! ¬†I don’t even have to show up to be loved. ¬†I can love myself! And others will love me for who I am.

My focus for this week is going to be letting go of the ties with D.  Trying to define myself by how I want to be, not by D or by this old way of being where I need to prove myself.  Feeling whole, valid and worthy! Yes.

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Taking care of Me!

Yay! I spent last night cleaning my apartment – feelsgoodman.jpg.

Image

I’ve got my water glass to remind me to stay hydrated. ūüôā My computer playing some tunes, and I’m rocking the dishes the dishwasher can’t handle. ¬†I also did a few loads of laundry, and took out the overflowing garbage and recycling. ¬†Nothing special really, but I got the basics covered so Monday I can do a bit more of a deep cleaning. (Monday morning is my house cleaning morning).

I also spent $84 on a skincare routine. ¬†I’ve never really done anything beyond the very bare bone basics in my self care (shower, brush my teeth, maybe brush my hair,). ¬†I wanted to change that – I want to be the kind of person who cares enough to take care of¬†themselves. ¬†So(!) now I have a fancy¬†face-wash, toner, and¬†moisturizer, as well as a few eye cream samples.

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Conflicted.

I am conflicted.

One part of this is that I want to tone down my attention loving drama side, which includes gossiping less. ¬†I also want to keep you updated though, and I do find talking about things helps. ¬†I’m realizing I probably should’ve made this blog a little more anonymous.

The other part I’m only going to briefly touch on, so as to avoid gossip. ūüėÄ

I’m making dinner plans with S.

I’m wondering how this will affect my relationship with D. ¬†I don’t think it’s respectful to someone I’m dating to be seeing my ex and not telling them. ¬†I have made a pact with myself to not see D as anything more then a friend while seeing where, if anywhere, things go with S.

I’m torn – I am really excited at the prospect of things with S going somewhere, as one always is on a first date, but that means things with D are officially, really, over. ¬†I still love him. ¬†I know he is only ever going to find happiness if I let go though. ¬†Same goes for me, as much as I love him, I know I need to let go in order to be really happy. ¬†Crap is life, and love, complicated.

But mostly, I’m focused on my healing. ¬†Obviously there’s a couple of¬†pieces¬†here I need to focus on;

– I don’t need a man to feel safe or stable. (this piece is why I have D as my “back-up”)

– I don’t need drama in order to have people pay attention to me.

РI am worthy of a simple, kind man.  I am able to be a simple, kind woman.  The combination of such could be awesome, I just need to open myself up to it.

РDating someone, seeing someone, sleeping with someone, none of these effect who I am.  The presence or lack of such activities does not determine my happiness or validity.

– There’s no easy fix that will make me happy, no other person on this planet can do that for me.

РLove comes in many forms. D and I can learn to love in a new way, not as lovers.  As good friends.

Gosh, wouldn’t it be horrible if S or D found this blog? ¬†I am really sorry if you do. ¬†I am a conflicted woman, I have issues and I also have a lot to give.

I’m just trying to figure it all out. ūüôā

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