Havingness

It seems like I have a limited ability to have the things I want in my life.

I finally got my laptop in order this fall. I spent $150 to replace the hard drive and get an external hard drive for backups. I feel like I’m finally in a place of ease with it.

Of course, though, now that I didn’t have any problems with my laptop, had a new phone, a steady meditation practice, a happy relationship and an easy workplace, my kayak got stolen. It’s like there’s some limit, some ceiling on my ability to just have the things that I want to all work at once.

I’ve become somewhat neutral about my kayak. Not that I don’t miss her, I do almost daily look to where she normally rests and miss her, but in all honesty this time of year I don’t normally use her much, and I’m still hoping she’ll return, hopefully by summer.

I started working out, and am feeling healthy and happy in a way I haven’t in a while. Appreciating my body just gives me so much self-confidence, and brings me back on track with my meditation, which in turn makes work seem easy and my relationship that much more loving.  I don’t get as caught up in the stories, the worry – I’m just trying to be real with the situation and look at things in a positive light. Imagine the best, not the worst, because your thoughts are important.

Of course – I just dropped my iPhone in the water. Once again I’m testing the resilience of my happiness, and the independence from things or people bringing me happiness.  I think I also have an inherent limit on my havingness though – if I have everything going my way I feel guilty and unworthy on an unconscious level, and create a problem unconsciously so that I can go back to being worried and stop thinking “I’m better then everyone else, above problems”.  I think this inherent guilt complex comes from being raised by a single mother – not that she does “guilt” so much anymore, but she did back then.  The victim identity is also familiar, and I think it can run rampant among young single mothers – I feel comfortable identifying that way, or have in the past, and I really don’t want to or need to anymore.

It’s ok to be 100% healthy and happy. It’s ok to have literally everything I want.  I don’t need to save and worry about “the other shoe dropping” or that next unexpected expense – it’s ok to live a life where things last and I don’t need to replace or fix them for years. YEARS! 

I think that if I really believed everything in that last paragraph, my life would be drastically different. Obviously I didn’t consciously drop my phone in the water, but I really do think everything that happens we’ve created, directly or indirectly – because we wanted it or because we needed a lesson from it, perhaps because we’re programmed to have life play out a certain way.  We can change the program though, change how things will play out before they happen. If I learn to be ok with having things just work – if I let go of the need to be guilty if everythings ok – the need to have problems to feel normal – the need to be a victim, then maybe my things will stop getting stolen, dropped, broken, water damaged, and lost. Maybe they’ll just work!

That’s my mumblings for tonight. I’ve left the phone in rice, going to leave it there for two days. Practice living without being constantly connected. Hopefully it turns back on in two days time. If it does, I can get the food processor I’ve been wanting for some time. If it doesn’t, I can replace my phone.  Life will go on – I will continue to be happy, and I’ll work on my issues so they don’t become manifest. 🙂

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