Journal Entries, part 1

[Day 1 – Saturday August 4th]

What I’m working on. {Raw Notes}

  • Less TV
  • Working on special/worthless (I do soo much soo well vs I do nothing)
  • Grieving – it’s ok!
  • Valid! No matter what I’m doing.  Low self worth picture is promoting needing to do things wrong.
  • Relationships are complicated – picture avoiding them for TV friends.
  • Not wanting to be alone = valid
  • Not wanting crappy friends so just tuning out.

{Explination}

Well, journal entries aren’t always very elaborate, and for my first day I just jotted down some things I was working on so I didn’t forget about them.  I’ll elaborate a little here, and also explain some terms I’ve used (here and prior) and will continue using so we’re all on the same page.

  1. Less TV – This one is pretty simple, doesn’t need much explanation.   I’m trying to cut down my TV consumption.  The update is, after one month, I’ve been watching a lot less! Nowadays if I watch multiple episodes in one day it’s a rarity, and there are many days I go with no TV at all.  Yes!
  2. Working on Special/Worthless.  This piece for me is about feeling like I’m always on one side or the other of the spectrum.  Felling like I’m either soooo special or horribly worthless.  The goal here is to become normal, and not do either extreme.  With one extreme comes the other, and for me that’s too high a price.  Being in the middle doesn’t mean I can’t experience the highs and lows of life, but just that I’m not inflating my ego or berating myself based on special/worthless pictures.

    Definition: Pictures – when I use the word pictures I mean a piece of programming, or a picture, that sits in my space and affects my life in a small way.  It’s like a picture that sits on a shelf in your home, perhaps you don’t consciously notice it all the time but it will help set the tone of your house.  When I talk about pictures it’s usually because a picture of mine is of something that I don’t want around, and it’s been setting the tone to one I don’t like.

  3. Grieving – it’s ok! Here I’m just reminding myself that it’s ok to be sad.  During my childhood my mother would be sad a lot, and it affected me in a strong way (I always took it upon myself that it was my responsibility to be the “perfect child” so she might be happy and proud).  This has affected my ability to be sad – I still see it as a strongly negative thing that one mustn’t show the world. I’m working on being ok about being sad, I think it’s a normal, natural, important part of the letting go process, among other things.  In this instance I am referring to grieving the end of my relationship with D.
  4. Valid! Here I’m reminding myself that I am valid.  I became aware of how often I create situations to prove that I am invalid.  I really want to change this so I’m actively creating situations where I can feel valid and whole, instead of working against myself and subconsciously trying to prove my stupidity.
  5. Relationships are complicated.  Boy are they!  This is a continuation of #1 – working on watching TV less.  I realized one of the aspects of my TV addiction is my resistance to having to make real life friends.  The resistance stems from this picture I have that suggests that making friends is really hard, and people are really complex, and they might just end up hating you.  Virtual friends isn’t the answer though, so I’m working on changing that.  People are complex, but likelyhood is they aren’t going to hate me, and if they do I can just move on.  Since the journal entry, I have made a huge effort to put myself out there socially, and have reaped many benefits. I’m very happy I did. 🙂
  6. Not wanting to be alone – valid.  I can’t quite remember what I was saying here, but I think it’s in regards to my fear of people invalidating me, and avoidance of people to save myself from their harsh reality.  😛  I say that jokingly, because although a part of me believes it, I also know it’s not true (that they are a harsh reality).
  7. Not wanting crappy friends so just tuning out.  Same piece again, and just a different way of wording it.  I was really focused on creating a senario where I could feel valid around other people, and I think it’s really helped.  I’m much more confident. 🙂

That’s the breakdown of journal entry #1 – I’ll add another one tomorrow!

Today’s update: I went to the gym!! Did probably 40 minutes, felt awesome. I’m about to do a short meditation, then off to bed.  Thanks for reading, if you have any questions (about terms or concepts or anything) or comments please, leave a note!  Also feel free to let me know if you have a similar piece, or your take on my pieces.

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