Go slowly, you have your whole life to figure it out and find happiness – it’s ok to be sad sometimes.
Make sure you feel good about the choices you are making!
So says the note on my desk right now. I’m still processing the end of my journey with D. I’m still getting used to the concept that I will not end up old and happy with him. It is a strange feeling indeed. I went to my mothers for dinner last night, and realized that last time I went to her place for dinner I ended up sleeping in my old bed with D that night. This time I also ended up sleeping in a bed that was formerly mine, but alone. My room at my mother’s is still mostly set up as mine, and there were lots of memories of the early days with D. I don’t know how to explain the heartbreak, but I’m sure you’ve experienced it too, so there’s no need. I love him so dearly, and there are so many happy memories. It’s hard to picture a life without him, without being defined by him and changed by him and constantly thinking of him. Still, now, I am defined by him, changed by him and thinking of him, so that hasn’t changed yet but it will (it must) soon. I’m realizing more and more I should’ve waited much longer to start something new with someone new. I’ve very glad S is still gone for a bit, and I have a strongly held intent that if things end up going somewhere between us it will be slowly, very slowly.
I’m planning a mini-vacation for next week. Going to go away for 3 days and get out to some wilderness. I’m also going to the ecovillage tomorrow, so hopefully that will calm me and help me focus myself. Being out there is the single greatest way to focus myself on what is actually important. I need to focus on moving forward, and healing my wounds. The people I associate myself with are just opportunities to do that.
I spoke with my dad the other night. It’s always good to catch up with him, see where he’s at. It’s very interesting to see many of the wounds I have played out by him. Of course I learned much of how I am from him, and from my mother, and I see my mother much more often and see her doing her thing much more blatantly. I’m glad my dad is on his healing path as well – he’s doing counselling with his wife, and has a men’s group that sounds really supportive. A family of people wanting to heal their limitations and set themselves free!
Well, I’m excited to get out of the city tomorrow, I’ll update again after that and share how I’m feeling. The goal is to come back feeling whole, valid and worthy. I’m sure the expansive views and lush rainforest will assist! Focus on the big picture, Jeanine.
What is your favourite “tool” to help you focus yourself again?