Conflicted.

I am conflicted.

One part of this is that I want to tone down my attention loving drama side, which includes gossiping less.  I also want to keep you updated though, and I do find talking about things helps.  I’m realizing I probably should’ve made this blog a little more anonymous.

The other part I’m only going to briefly touch on, so as to avoid gossip. 😀

I’m making dinner plans with S.

I’m wondering how this will affect my relationship with D.  I don’t think it’s respectful to someone I’m dating to be seeing my ex and not telling them.  I have made a pact with myself to not see D as anything more then a friend while seeing where, if anywhere, things go with S.

I’m torn – I am really excited at the prospect of things with S going somewhere, as one always is on a first date, but that means things with D are officially, really, over.  I still love him.  I know he is only ever going to find happiness if I let go though.  Same goes for me, as much as I love him, I know I need to let go in order to be really happy.  Crap is life, and love, complicated.

But mostly, I’m focused on my healing.  Obviously there’s a couple of pieces here I need to focus on;

– I don’t need a man to feel safe or stable. (this piece is why I have D as my “back-up”)

– I don’t need drama in order to have people pay attention to me.

– I am worthy of a simple, kind man.  I am able to be a simple, kind woman.  The combination of such could be awesome, I just need to open myself up to it.

– Dating someone, seeing someone, sleeping with someone, none of these effect who I am.  The presence or lack of such activities does not determine my happiness or validity.

– There’s no easy fix that will make me happy, no other person on this planet can do that for me.

– Love comes in many forms. D and I can learn to love in a new way, not as lovers.  As good friends.

Gosh, wouldn’t it be horrible if S or D found this blog?  I am really sorry if you do.  I am a conflicted woman, I have issues and I also have a lot to give.

I’m just trying to figure it all out. 🙂

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