[NOTE: AUG 27 – This post was written on august August 20th – I waited to publish it, wanting to enter my journal entries first to be chronological, but now I’d like to update on this, so I’m going to publish this and then post again!]
So… there is quite a story with D. I thought I’d explain!
We were together for almost 3 years, and we lived together for 1. He is a lovely gentleman, kind hearted. Living together wasn’t working though. We had/have very different schedules, and often we’d only see each other for 20 minutes before bed, and 45 minutes in the morning. It’s very difficult to be with someone you really want to spend time with, but only for short snippets, and for me it was often also the only time I had at home. Sometimes you need to just have down time, alone time (even if there’s other people around). We also had different needs when it came to cleanliness. I’m working on becoming cleaner!
In any case, it didn’t work. I moved out, and into this lovely apartment downtown. We agreed to take two weeks off (no talking), then see if we were interested in being friends, or potentially even more. We agreed to take things slowly, if at all, and keep it light hearted for the summer.
It was a rough couple of months. I’ve learned how to be independent in a new way. I don’t feel like I need a man to feel safe, loved, or content now. I had to work on not feeling like a failure because my relationship failed (I have a lot of programming that suggests loyalty means I’m valid, and loyalty means sticking with things forever). I had to learn how to do the laundry. I’m glad for the opportunity, even though heartbreak sucks. I got to a point where I was much more neutral about the situation, didn’t have my hopes riding on it or my validity based on it. And we talked about things.
We decided that we do like one another’s company, and enjoy hanging out together. We decided to ditch normal labels, and instead create a situation where we could be friends all the time, and then when we both wanted we could be romantic or intimate. We could go out to dinner and end up spending the night, but focus on the present moment, not getting dragged into what it means. We’re pretending we just started dating, and haven’t had “the talk” yet, if that makes sense.
Granted, one or both of us will probably end up getting hurt. Usually that’s how such situation’s end. I think most relationships end in heartbreak though, at least the relationships worth having. I don’t think we should refrain from enjoying each other, for fear of the future. I do feel like this is going to be another learning experience – learning how to remove jealousy from the picture, learning how to be with someone without them being tied to you, learning how to let things go.
Do you think I’m crazy to be doing this?