My easy, casual, light-hearted relationship with D lasted less then a week.
I bet some of you are not surprised, in fact most people I told were sceptical and warned me of heartbreak. I knew most likely one of us would get hurt, but I thought we’d be able to have fun first, and I hoped the hurt wouldn’t be too strong. I knew I couldn’t live life in fear of getting hurt, most relationships end and that’s a part of life.
I didn’t realize it’d be this quickly.
I probably got upset over something much less extreme then my mind made it out to be. In any case, I got quite upset at him, and felt very hurt by our interactions. Of course, we have a typical way of getting into arguments, and of course, the fact that it went that way bothered me all the more.
There’s two versions of this.
- He does something to offend me. I explain that I’m hurt and why. He feels horrible, beats himself up, and ends up getting all upset. I end up comforting him, and explaining that it wasn’t that bad, really.
- I do something to offend him. He feels horrible and ends up getting all upset. I end up comforting him, apologizing and explaining that I didn’t mean it that way, really.
Of course – this is a biased view of our relationship, as it’s only coming from my side, but I found that all our disagreements tended to go that way and it drove me nuts. I want to feel vulnerable sometimes, and have someone comfort me and tell me everything’s going to be ok. I think it’s probably good that I end up learning how to “self-soothe”, but my body would like reassurance sometimes that someone’s on my team.
In this situation, we went with the first version. I was all over the place with my communication, as I tried to sort out my head. I’m sure it was very confusing for him to have me very upset with him – he takes things very much to heart. He doesn’t quite know how to explain what he intended to say, and explain how that’s different then how I took it (because often if I’m hurt it was completely unintentional). Instead he gets defensive and tries to brush it off, which I fully understand and do sometimes as well. It just makes for a big mess. Tears were shed on either end. Of course, in these situations we don’t end up hugging it out, as we used to when in a committed relationship. I think both of us ended up at home, alone and sad. It sucks, but it also makes me realize how we really do need to move on, at least for now.
I don’t feel like I’m over D. I don’t know how long it’ll take, but it might be a lifetime. He will always be my first love. I think he’ll be the one I wonder “what if?” about for a long, long time. I just care for him so much, and know he cares for me. It’s really hard to know that, and still realize that there’s things that don’t work, and didn’t work, and you can’t keep dragging it out if it’s not working.
I keep dragging though, because I can’t let go. I don’t know how yet. I’m sorry D.